Oh, My Poor Language

I guess I was a lucky child. My mother, Jessie, was a genius and an absolutely fascinating person. Perhaps not the greatest mother in the world, (more like having an Auntie Mame) but perfect for me. She was no Barbara Billingsley, or any of the often beloved ‘mother’ types, but she was a crazy, fun, interesting person, with four degrees and a mind as sharp as Bea Lilly’s, one that could stop you in your track.

Jess loved the English language. She read and spoke Old English. We heard “The Canterbury Tales” in the original, as well as Spenser’s “Faerie Queen,” before we were in school. She also spoke perfect modern English. We, her children, were expected to do the same, so she taught us two things that I find are not being taught these days, which is most unfortunate, they are so easy to learn.

First: Why are people suddenly using nothing but “a” and forgetting the other indefinite article, “an” before a vowel? Doesn’t “a apple” hit your ear as a terrible sound? Oh, I can say “a terrific tasting apple”... but “a apple,” ye gods, that hurts my ear. Say it... “AN apple” sounds so “right!” Or try, “I’m wearing a earring.” Does that strike you as a good sound? NO. I’m wearing AN earring, it’s shaped like A star.” OK?

Second: It is SO EASY to “get” how to use “I” and “we,” but so few people know how to do it these days. Jessie taught us at a very early age, and I don’t believe I have ever misused either one. All you have to do is leave OUT the other person in your sentence, and you will be able to HEAR which one to use. Here are some examples (one a direct mistake by poor old President Eisenhower, who had misguided handlers teaching him how to speak English badly:

They taught him to say: “Thank you for all the presents you sent to Mamie and I.” Now say that without ‘Mamie’.. “Thank you for all the presents you sent to I” Doesn’t that sound silly? So, how about the correct way: “Thank you for all the presents you sent to Mamie and ME.

It is really all right to say “me,” when it is proper. You would never say, “Give it to I,” would you? You would say “George and I went to the game.” Again, say it without the OTHER person, “...I went to the game.” You know you wouldn’t say, “...me went to the game.” See how simple it is, just leave out the other and say it in your mind... you’ll get the right word. And, for god’s sake, DO NOT say “Me and George went to the game. The polite way is to always mention the other person first and you will get it. Now another: “If you had left it to George and me, it would have been done.” Say it without George and you will see it is correct: “If you had left it to ME it would have been done. (NOT, “If you had left it to I....”) There is one that very few people get right, but again, if you listen to what you are saying, you just may notice the correct usage.

What is the answer to, “Who’s there?” It is not, “It’s me,” although that has pretty much become the answer. It is, “It is I.” Think about it... “I am here,” is another way of saying it, or “Here I am.”

So, the easiest way to figure out whether to use “i” or “me” in a sentence is to just say the sentence without the other person... and you should get your answer immediately. So, if you will please excuse me, I shall stop nattering on about English usage and go and correct a few library books, written by people who somehow never learned the simplest and easiest ways to use the English language (and they didn’t learn to use English in ESL classes, so they have no excuses).